Sunday, March 4, 2012

Bring Me Chicken Noodle Soup, Then GTFO

I am a miserable human being when sick.  Definitely not one of those people who gets all nice and docile so all you want to do is take care of him/her.  My normally bitchy attitude gets a lovely boost when I'm "under the weather,"* so people generally want to take care of me the same way you want to take care of a porcupiney-skunky-rabid-bit-of-roadkill.  

Side note - what the hell does "under the weather" actually mean?!  If I can blow snot rockets, hack up green phlegm, and sound like an 85-year old chain-smoking James Earl Jones when under the weather, then what super powers do I get for being "on top of the weather"??  Dumb-ass figure of speech.

In an effort to save humanity from my bitchitude, I have compiled a list of things I don't want to hear when I'm feeling less than stellar.  This list actually coincides with things I don't give a shit about first thing in the morning:

1.  Anything about your (adorable) pet.  No, crazy cat lady, I know this is hard for you to understand, but I DON'T want to hear about the 57 cats you have at home.  

2.  Anything about your pet's bowel movements.  To be honest, I NEVER want to hear about your pet's bowel movements.  I'm not a vet yet.  I don't give a shit (pun intended).

3.  Anything about the news and/or current events.  I barely give a crap about the world's goings on to begin with, much less when my brain is fogged up with illness-making-beasties.

4.  Your life If you think that now's a good time to tell me your life story for the 9482753895th time, and ask my advice on whatever issue you're currently dealing with, you are sorely mistaken.

5.  Your love life.  Different than #4.  I want to hear about your love life even LESS than I want to hear about your other goings-on, particularly if your significant other did something lovey-dovey-cutsie-wootsie for your anniversary.  I'm single.  Fuck off.  (exception - if this lovey-dovey-cutsie-wootsie activity failed miserably and ended in hilarity, I'm all ears)

6.   Details about your new craft project.

7.   How busy you've been lately and omygawd-i-wish-there-were-more-than-24hrs-in-a-day.  If there were more than 24 hours in a day, I'd be sick even longer than I'm going to be already.  This is unacceptable.  So are your opinions on the matter.  I reiterate my comment from #5: Fuck off.

8.  How sick YOU were last week and blah-blah-blahI know you were ill - I saw you every day at work.  You're probably the one who got ME sick.  At the current moment, I hate you with every fiber of my being.

9.  How swell your tropical vacation was.  For the love of everything in the world, stop showing me pictures.  My eyes are all goopy and crusty with god-knows-what, I'm sneezing all over your photos, and blowing snot rockets into my rapidly depleting box of tissues.  How is this enjoyable for you?!

10.   Celebrity gossipNope, just don't care.  At all.  Ever.  

Basically, it's just better to leave me alone.  It's safer for everyone that way.  I might offend your delicate sensibilities by saying something that I'll maybe regret later.

Since I'm such a nice person, I'll give you some free advice:  I have very clear facial expressions - if you're talking at to me and I am giving you a look that says "eat shit and die," I advise you to cease and desist the current "conversation" and GTFO.

But bring me some chicken noodle soup first, please.  I'm sick.


  1. You may not blog anymore. You're funnier than I am. Bitch.

    Also, I believe "under the weather" is from when sick sailors hid under deck in the bad weather or some such....
    But mostly I picture a sick person laying outside in a storm. Weeping pathetically as they drool-snot into a puddle. I don't know why.

  2. bahaha I'm not funnier than you, but I appreciate the (jealousy) comment.

    And obviously you'd know the origins of "under the weather." I also think your interpretation is far superior to the actual meaning.